TheForceOfDao

Tag: SelfDiscovery

  • “They Pushed Me Away”, and Other Disturbing Beliefs.

    “They Pushed Me Away”, and Other Disturbing Beliefs.

    When a thought hurts, that’s the signal that it isn’t true. – Byron Katie

    You’ve just had an argument with a loved one. They’ve said or done something that you vehemently believe pushed you away. You feel so upset that they would hurt you like that. Why won’t they let you close?

    Perhaps this sounds familiar.

    You’ll hear people advise others on hearing such a story, that he/she “pushed you away”, and you believe it. You feel powerless. How are you ever going to reach them? It feels like a gulf between you two.

    But!

    Have you ever considered that this interpretation is a complete fabrication? That you’ve simply believed this judgement only because others have told you that is what’s happening without ever having questioned it for yourself. What does it even mean when someone pushes you away – is it even possible?

    So for just for a moment let’s consider another possibility. Perhaps there’s another perspective, an opposite to the original belief.

    If you find this resonates with you, I encourage you to follow along with your own scenario where you believed this thought and see what arises for you through gentle inquiry.

    How do you react?

    What happens when you believe the thought, “they pushed me away”?

    If I put myself in the shoes of someone who believes the thought, I would see the other as the “problem”. I believe they are rejecting me, and it feels so painful. They are the one making it difficult to connect. I’m wanting them to be different from what they are, and my thoughts take on a need to change them in order for me to feel connected to them. I criticise their faults in my mind and use that as ammo to prove the belief is true.

    I pull away from them, making myself the victim. I don’t want to express my own vulnerabilities around a person that’s hostile. Comparisons arise in the mind where “I” am better than “them” because they are the aggressor, and I’m the victim. I don’t see my own role in the exchange.

    I feel anxiety in my chest, a constriction in breathing, and the fear of not being close to this person.

    Who would you be without the thought?

    This is an invitation to see who you would be in the same situation without the thought. What might you say or do that is different? This is not intended as an intellectual exercise to change how you behave next time, only simple inquiry.

    Without the thought, I would see someone who is unable to express their emotional state with clarity in that moment. I feel compassion towards them, which immediately brings me closer. I’m aware I’m not actually too sure what it is they’re going through, so I notice curiosity arising in me. Rather than assuming I know what’s going on, I question what’s happening. I feel it’s possible to ask whether I’ve understood them correctly but sharing what I understood them to say. I don’t feel so threatened by their words and behaviour, I can feel more space in my own mind to hold what’s going on for us both. It feels more peaceful this way.

    Rather than rejected, I feel connected.

    Turnarounds

    The turnarounds are a way of exploring whether the opposite is as true as, or truer than the original statement. It is not intended to disqualify the original statement, simply an invitation to try on a different pair of shoes and to see if there’s any truth in it. Such an inquiry can provide profound insights into how beliefs shape our entire world view.

    “They didn’t push me away”

    I might have interpreted it that way, but I can not know what is going on in their mind. It’s a form of violence to infer intention onto their behaviour. If anything, it causes them to push back.

    It is actually impossible for another person to push me away, only I can believe that onto their behaviour. It is a choice from my side to “be pushed away.”

    It could be that they are hurting and don’t have the emotional intelligence and capacity to express themselves clearly in that moment. What’s more likely is that their behaviour is a cry for connection and love but unable to express it.

    “I pushed me away”

    I pushed myself away by believing my own thoughts around the intention of their behaviour. I hurt myself in the process and ended up feeling rejected.

    I created distance between myself and the other by interpreting them as the aggressor. I closed down my heart and put up defences to protect myself against the perceived threat.

    All of this takes me away from the present and from the inherent goodness that resides within.

    In a way, I pushed myself away from what felt good internally by the beliefs I held in that moment.

    “I pushed them away”

    It is useful to reflect upon our own behaviour in the scenario, not as a way to become self-critical and self-flagellating but as a way of waking up to our own reactions.

    It could be that in that situation, I push them away by judging their behaviour as hostile and confrontational, inferring intention onto them, thereby creating distance between us.

    My mind may run off into the past, recalling similar situations and projecting into the future that this is how this person is, and will always be. I make them solid and unchangeable.

    When I’m in my mind I am not present with the person before me and I stop listening to what it is they’re trying to communicate to me – I am caught in the stories in my mind.

    I might notice that I am hostile in my own way by no longer engaging with them from a place of care and understanding.

    I check out, deciding that as far as I’m concerned, the conversation is over. That makes it very hard for them to re-connect.

    There’s another turnaround that I will leave for you to investigate, “they didn’t push me away”. How might that be true in that situation? Please leave a comment down below on any interesting insights you’ve had as you followed along.

    …

    The truth is that we all want to feel heard and understood by others, especially loved ones. Sometimes, without realising it, disconnection arises when we infer meaning onto a person/event that is otherwise meaningless. By learning how to inquire into stressful beliefs, one can become more aware of how these beliefs stop us from being present and seeing life with clarity.

    We begin to awake to the dream.

    If you’re enjoying what you’ve read of this series so far, let me know in the comments what common expression or judgement you’d like me to question next.

    Thanks for reading!

  • “Aren’t You Just Running Away From Your Problems?”, and Other Disturbing Beliefs.

    “Aren’t You Just Running Away From Your Problems?”, and Other Disturbing Beliefs.

    I want to do a short series on “those” sayings, the ones that have you doubting your next move and questioning your own agency. The “moving country won’t solve your problems”, “you have to pick a side otherwise you’re supporting the oppressors”, or, “she pushed me away”, or a ironically toxic belief, “he/she is so toxic, I should cut them out of my life”.

    I want to start off the series with a particular stickler for some, “moving country won’t solve your problems – you’re just running away”. One that has been a pain point for me at times in the past.

    If you’ve ever believed that thought, how does it leave you feeling?

    I know for myself if I think back to a situation where I considered moving country and I believed that thought, I would break out in a nervous panic so afraid that I was getting life “so wrong”. How was it that others were seeing that I was avoiding my problems whereas I was seeing that I was trying to save myself – how could I be so mistaken? Why was I not allowed to save myself? I began to doubt my entire way of Being, how could I now trust myself in anything?

    What ended up happening was that I became stuck in a limbo, unable to take action, so afraid that others would now judge me to be someone who couldn’t face difficulties in their life. Not only that but I wanted people to admire that I was someone who faced difficulties head on and didn’t “give up” (that will be a belief to investigate at another time).

    It was too shameful to leave.

    I developed anger towards myself for being in the situation I was in and not being able to escape it. The anger actually a deep fear of never being able to leave – I created my own prison cell without realising it, stuck in a shadowland.

    The belief didn’t serve me, all it offered was stress. I can see that by believing it I was avoiding taking responsibility for my life. Not in a way that was conscious but in a way that taking a stand for myself and to buck the trend was too scary to even comprehend. If I first checked with others, whether that be with people in person, or seeking advice online, I presumed they knew better than I. I put down my own intuition and experience in favour of those who had never spent a day in my shoes. I truly believed they were right and that everything within me was inherently wrong.

    It became an internal battle of debating the pros and cons and I could feel a wall of worry build up that action needed to be taken but I was stuck in analysis paralysis. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

    Much has changed since those days. I took up a Buddhist practice, meditation and “The Work”, and with it more awareness now surrounds the stories whirling through the mind as it attempts to understand, and bring meaning to the world.

    Bringing awareness to stressful thoughts allows me to see more clearly how I interact with the world through that belief. I’m not interested in changing how I behave so much as simply being aware of what’s going on, waking up to the dream.

    If I put myself back in that past situation and just consider who I would be without the thought that “moving countries won’t solve my problems”, I am back to trusting the direction that I am headed, to trusting myself and noticing what feels intuitively “right” for me in that moment. I feel a little more confident that I can trust that the situation I am in is not serving me, not nourishing my growth or enabling a peaceful state of mind.

    I don’t feel anxious about being judged by others for moving. Their judgement is only based on their perspective of my situation, of which they will never have the full story. Rather than being in the business of others, trying to work out if they approve of me or not and behaving in a way that I think will make my actions worthy of appraisal, I’m back in my business – the only place where I can ever feel peace and joy. I can choose to welcome other’s judgement of my actions as a point of self-reflection and, I can also use their judgement as a way of strengthening my own resolve and trust in my intuition. It’s very likely that someone judging another as “moving on and running away from their problems” is struggling with the same beliefs in their own life and is deserving of compassion as much as myself.

    I don’t feel a fear of what comes next and there is no longer a weighing up on the pros and cons in an attempt to guess at the future and whether it will be a successful venture. Nor is there a fear of the move not working out – I feel more at ease moving to the beat and rhythm of life.

    “Moving Country Will Solve Your Problems”

    It’s worth turning around the original statement and seeing if it’s as true as, or truer than the original belief.

    Feel free to take a pause here and see what examples come up for you where, “moving country will solve your problems”.

    I can see that the situation I was in had worn me down – I was depressed, lonely and there was no spark of joy residing in my heart, I was leading a robotic, unaware life. Therefore, a change, a move to a new country could provide new opportunities, enabling me to discover what I’m truly interested in, it could open up the social pool to potentially connect with more like-minded people, as well as potentially leaving me feeling more connected to myself. Moving to a new country would most certainly lead to personal and spiritual growth, something that had actually stagnated in the situation I had been in.

    Putting myself in a new environment could be like taking a stunted plant lacking in vitality and putting it in soil, rich in fertiliser and moving it out of the shade and into the sun. Sometimes all that’s needed is space, time and a fresh perspective.

    Living a good, wholesome life does not mean one must remain in a fixed situation for a lifetime – it’s about being adaptable and learning to hear the voice of the heart, of intuition. As with all things, it becomes weaker with a lack of practice, yet with dedication one can start putting a little more trust into what life calls us to do. Perhaps first with judgement and then eventually, with enthusiasm, joy and a profound trust in life.

    “You aren’t running away from your problems”

    There is another turn around to investigate here for, “you are running away [from your problems]”. It can be turned around to, “you are running towards your problems”, or, “you aren’t running away from your problems”. I will leave that one for you to question and see what arises for you from inquiry.

    If you do choose to take me up on the offer, just remember that you are investigating your own experiences and truth, not that of others.

    Thank you for reading!