TheForceOfDao

Tag: Spirituality

  • Audentes Fortuna Iuvat

    Audentes Fortuna Iuvat

    Fortune favours the brave.

    Perhaps you’ve noticed that the world that exists today is radically different from 100 years ago!

    At that time, the only mode of in-absentia communication was the written letter. There were no TVs, devices, or screens to invite strangers into your bedroom upon waking each morning. Now you have photos and snapshots of their daily lives to which you can compare yourself to their filtered and curated portfolios. Now, with the introduction of AI, we enter new territory of hyper-content. Articles and posts are either entirely written or edited by AI before publication, and everything reads the same. Posts jump out at you as SEO-hyper-charged titles lacking any wit or character to differentiate one author from another. I am by no means anti-AI or tech, however I am aware of how it dilutes my creativity when it comes to writing, art, and living itself.

    Do you know there is a scoring system for how easy this article is to read? I am encouraged to make it easier to get more views – it’s not difficult to see how this ends up. I am even encouraged to be more assertive in my vocabulary. To not come across as unsure even when the truth is that life is completely uncertain – ironically, something I am assured of. Have you ever found yourself wondering how it can be that people seem so self-assured online as if speaking with absolute authority about what “problem” it is you’re suffering from?

    And so it is that I notice my proclivity to want to conform to the “algorithm” and to be able to compete for attention with such players in the hopes it brings financial prosperity and opportunities. But to what end? The world as we know it now appears to be a result of the majority wanting comfort at the cost of spiritual practice and wanting ease at the cost of growth, and it appears to have led to a more violent and impoverished world.

    Therefore, I resolve to accept my creative personality quirks that don’t allow for consistent content. That I may currently lack the structure that makes this writing coherent and punchy. I certainly don’t wish for my readers to “take an action” following reading my blog – why should I presume you, the reader, take anything away from what I write?

    It seems to have been forgotten that creativity and by extension, the heart has it’s own unique expression and timing and cannot be quanitified and comodified if one truly wishes to live from a place of open-heartedness. I am sure many of us still relish the bold, the brave, and the beautiful when it comes to self-expression, for it is unqiue and irreprecable.

    The world we wish to live in exists only in our minds and by contrast, the world we don’t wish to live in also exists only in our minds. You get to decide which world to live in, and act accordingly.

  • Trust Your Own Path

    Trust Your Own Path

    There is no one else like you. We’re all unique, shaped by different experiences—even within the same family. Considering just the birth order of children alone has a profound effect; the first-born meets parents stepping into the unknown, often wrapped in fear or overprotection. The last-born finds parents seasoned, more confident, perhaps freer to let mistakes unfold. Our conditioning carves distinct paths from the very start.

    It’s tempting to cast our eyes around, to measure ourselves against others—gauging how far ahead or behind we appear, based solely on what we can see, hear or touch. We pour time and money into questioning whether we’re on the “right” path, aching to know for sure. And when we convince ourselves we’ve strayed, we suffer deeply—as if we could ever be anywhere but exactly where we are!

    What if it’s impossible to stray from your path?

    Imagine waking up, brewing a hot cup of tea, and truly feeling that this—right now—is what you’re called to do. For most, it’s a fleeting pause before the mind races to “bigger” things. That’s where we lose ourselves. We fixate on grand moments—those rare, fleeting peaks that claim so much of our thoughts, and time—while the small, daily actions slip by unnoticed. Yet those seemingly, insignficiant moments hold the greatest power.

    As I write this, I trust the process. This is my path in this moment, I don’t need to worry about where I’m going next. It feels like my whole life has led me here—not because of what this blog might become, but because of what I am doing now. It could flop, gather dust, or be dismissed as trivial by others. That doesn’t matter. The act of writing it is mine, and that’s enough. If we could see more moments this way—the seemingly small acts of brewing tea, walking, breathing, making the bed —we’d start to feel a deep appreciation for life. It becomes magical. Wonder creeps in when we stop chasing something better and simply witness what’s here. It doesn’t mean you stop living life. I still take action, but I’m not trying to escape in my mind to a “better” place. I trust that everything is my path.

    There’s a phrase I’ve heard: “You’re not on your own path.” It’s often aimed at someone caught in habits or choices that don’t seem to serve their highest good, and it is usually served up by worried and concerned friends and family. It is however a judgment, an assumption that one person can play God and know what’s best for another— it wrongly assumes that we can just pick a new path like it’s a coat off a rack. I see it differently. Every step you’ve taken is your path: the friends who fed bad habits, the job that broke you down, the extreme sport that pushed your body too far and broke it. Each choice, each stumble, has been a teacher, giving you exactly what you needed to grow, to overcome, to soften, to let go. Believing you’re “off” your path is disempowering—it whispers that you’ve made a wrong turn, that someone else could’ve done it better if they were living your life. No. You’re exactly where you need to be.

    This doesn’t mean staying stuck in harmful environments. Being on your path isn’t passive—it’s active, alive. It’s about moving forward without being shackled by limiting beliefs about what’s possible. Trusting your path means seeing every moment as yours, every lesson as necessary, every challenge as an oppprtunity for growth, and every small act as a thread in the tapestry of your life.

    If you want to continue following my journey and finding out how to question limiting beliefs, consider subscribing to receive notifications of when posts go live.

  • The Currency of Kindness : Insights from Thai Monastic Life

    The Currency of Kindness : Insights from Thai Monastic Life

    As if often the case with this blog, I return after taking a sabbatical, being somewhat reticent about sharing personal thoughts, opinions or experiences on a platform at a time when the world is so polarised. This feeling is compounded when I question myself as to who actually wants to read my material and am I really qualified to be sharing anything; although these days it would appear that no one is really qualified for any job they are in. Where pride in the mastery of skills over a lifetime, like in ancient Japan, has become somewhat of a distant, on-the-road-to-be-forgotten past around the world.

    So here we are. As the online media and social-scape is somewhat depressing, stress-inducing and divisive I thought I would share some of the beautiful aspects of life that still exist and thrive in quiet corners of the world.

    Recently I spent 5 weeks at a Thai-Buddhist, Forest Monastery in the Issan province of Northern Thailand at the invitation of my resident-mother. This hasn’t been my first formal stay at a monastery but it was the longest, the last being only 3 days after contracting Covid (a life changing experience) but that’s a story for another time.

    The Thai Forest Tradition focuses on a practice most similar to the type of life that the Buddha would have lived, as documented in the suttas, where monks spend their time meditating in the forests under trees, in caves, atop cliffs and leading a relatively ascetic life. Food comes once a day in the mornings from the local lay-people who lovingly donate food to keep the monastic community alive. Beds consist of a thin sleeping mat on the floor, perfect for re-aligning your spine and other joints and everyone pitches in to keep the pathways clear of debris, the community ablutions clean and help in the preparation of any additional food. Not so far into the distant past this would be quite familiar territory for most of our ancestors, it’s frightening how far we’ve come in such a small number of generations.

    What I am about to write next is increasingly becoming a bizarre and outrageous thing to say;

    the simpler your life is and the less comfort there is in your daily life, the freer and more alive you become.

    Comfort kills, first your mind and then your body.

    There is a beauty and tranquillity that arises in the mind once it has been tamed to not have a mental breakdown every time it encounters a stressful trigger, such as for example, your clothes being damp, or your back being sore from a hard, night’s sleep or not having consumed the huge number of calories that comes from eating 3 meals a day. The mind’s state of presence grows and where the mind before was tight and focused like blinkers on a horse, now it has become expansive and can see the beauty in the world in places that once before it would not have recognised.

    As our mind expands, feelings of kindness and generosity arise too. The mind recognises it doesn’t exist in a vacuum and might even seek out ways in which to be kind to others, to strangers, to animals, not just friends and family whom we easily love.

    There were many little, old, grey-haired, Thai ladies at the monastery and one such lady was my team-mate when it came to cleaning and managing the canteen area. I never learnt her name and neither of us could speak or understand the other’s language but that didn’t stop her from chatting away in Thai whilst I nodded away in acceptance – some of the best conversations I’ve had. She eventually left the monastery and in saying goodbye, handed over some crisp US dollars. I was lost for words and equally touched, not knowing why she had chosen me to share her money with or why they were US dollars. I could only presume that our encounter had been a heart-warming one and she had wished to express her gratitude for it.

    The Buddha taught that the first step on the path towards enlightenment and the end of suffering is to cultivate generosity to help open the door of our hearts. Moments like the one described are deeply profound and can create monumental shifts in our minds. So if you are reading this, see if you can do something for someone out of generosity, expecting nothing in return. Drop a comment below of your experience to spread the goodwill. We must revel in our goodness rather than wallow in our perceived faults and short-comings.

    Much metta to you all.

  • How Conditioning Shapes Our Choices: A Reflection on Frost

    How Conditioning Shapes Our Choices: A Reflection on Frost

    …and it has made all the difference, has me cringing on the inside.

    Robert Frost’s poem, ‘The Road Not Taken’ is world renowned. The final three lines “…two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled,” has famously been used in marketing and advertising, motivational speeches and all things regarding making the “I”, the individual stand out, possibly making the most popular undertaking of this passage to alert others to your individualism and ability to step away from more traditional paths. However, like my last blog that talked about the Chinese bamboo parable, this poem is also often misunderstood so today I would like to offer my own reflections on it with a Buddhist spin. First though, let me offer it up for you to read through and make your own assessments before I offer mine.

    The Road Not Taken 

    by Robert Frost

    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveller, long I stood
    And looked down one as far as I could
    To where it bent in the undergrowth;

    Then took the other, as just as fair,
    And having perhaps the better claim,
    Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
    Though as for that the passing there
    Had worn them really about the same,

    And both that morning equally lay
    In leaves no step had trodden black.
    Oh, I kept the first for another day!
    Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
    I doubted if I should ever come back.

    I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
    I took the one less travelled by,
    And that has made all the difference.

    What this poem invokes in me is a reflection on the conditioned mind and how our thought processes manifest around choice and decision making and whether we have free will.

    From the moment we are born our mind is conditioned by our external environment. You may think of your mind as a blank page which accumulates more and more computer code as you age, where once a code has been entered, will run a certain programme in the future once certain conditions have been met. If you are familiar with the science experiment conducted by Pavlov on dogs, you’ll know that he conditioned those dogs to salivate for food on the ringing of a bell, regardless of whether food was presented or not. In much the same way, in exactly the same actually, we too have behavioural responses that are pre-determined as a result of our conditioning. Some of these behaviours we may have awareness of and may chastise ourselves for behaving in a given way when pleasurable circumstances haven’t arisen, yet mostly we don’t realise our programmed response at all.

    This is where the beauty of Buddha’s teachings come in which illuminate the workings of the conditioned mind – you may think of it as an incredibly helpful guide book. The Buddha speaks to bring awareness to the workings of the mind and show us that the mind is influenced by conditioned phenomenon. In the West, in particular, we are conditioned through childhood to believe that we are the mind, that we are our nationality, religion, gender and traditions of our society, that we are our choice of sports team, clothing or political party. To refer back to the computer programme analogy where our minds are just lines of code; a code is not capable of recognising that it is a code, in the same way, the mind (which can also be read as the ego) is not capable of recognising itself. So who or what is it that is aware that the mind is only a set of conditions? This is what is to be considered in finding your ultimate reality or true self. If you identify as being a sports fan of a particular team yet realise that the only reason you support that team is because your father did, then that conditioning cannot be you. If you only eat certain foods because you were cooked only certain cuisines when you were a child then that conditioning can also not be you. By stripping away all these ideas we have of ourselves, then what is left? Surely it is only awareness itself.

    To bring Robert Frost’s poem back into the picture it seems to me that he is aware of this preconditioned decision making, that there is no decision maker or free will, the mind is simply running a programme based on the conditions it has encountered. The poem finishes off by reflecting on how the author will interpret and narrate the choice he made to his future self, ruminating that he would tell himself he did have a choice perhaps because it is more comforting to believe so. I would suggest though, that with awareness one would come to realise there are no paths in life and no decisions to be made, perhaps even that free will isn’t desirable. As I have mentioned in my blogs before, there is only present moment awareness and its awfully hard to draw out a path in the present moment, after all, the Daoists refer to experiencing living as the ‘pathless path’.

    As its not possible, or even desirable to erase the mind (as some horrifying experiments have attempted to do so), yet it is still able to be conditioned over time, we can behave with awareness to direct ourselves towards beautifying our minds with wholesome actions. We can, in a sense re-programme our minds as we come to realisations through awareness that we are not our minds. We are awareness itself. And from there, it seems to me, is just the beginning of self discovery.

    If you enjoyed this blog then please click the “Like” button, share it with your friends and drop a comment below letting me know what other topics you’d like me to write about. Thank you as always for taking the time to read my blog, I appreciate each and every one of you.

  • The Bamboo Parable: Lessons on Patience and Growth

    The Bamboo Parable: Lessons on Patience and Growth

    Do you have a goal in mind that when achieved will bring you happiness? Perhaps it is money? Or a better job? Or maybe even enlightenment? A goal where happiness always exists in the future but never in the present moment?

    It has recently struck me that success is one of those words that is completely illusory, an intangible thing, and the more I’ve attempted to write about it, the more it slips through my fingers. Striving for success is a hallmark of the human condition. Whilst accentuated by a currently Capitalist outlook on modern society, regardless of what point in history we are living, the human mind is in constant pursuit of its desires whilst at the same time actively running away from the things that are undesirable. Why is this a problem you might be asking yourself, I hope to explain as we go along.

    To begin with, I would like to share with you this Chinese Bamboo parable I came across at the end of a crypto-news, YouTube video the other day. This is how it goes:

    A man, feeling discouraged in the world having neither achieved his goals or changed, sought out his mentor. The mentor asked him, “How long does it take for the giant bamboo to grow as tall as a building? During the first year the small shoot is watered and fertilised and nothing happens. In the second year the shoot is watered and fertilised some more, another year has passed. And another. And still nothing happens. Then on the fifth year, it shoots up to the sky. In six weeks the bamboo grows over 30m tall. So how long does it take for the bamboo to grow so high?”.

    “Six weeks”, the man replied.

    “That is your mistake”, said the mentor, “It takes five years. Had the shoot not been watered or fertilised at any point during those five years, it would have died. What was happening during all those years? Deep in the earth an enormous network of roots was developing to support the bamboo’s sudden growth. Growth takes patience and perseverance. Every drop of water made a difference. Every step you take makes an impact. You may not see the change right away but growth is happening.”

    At first read I found this parable to hold a lot of wisdom in patience and nurturing in the present moment, however when I went back in for another read I felt it missed the point that success is illusory, why would a master be leading this man astray? This was, until I reflected on how this parable is commonly portrayed on the internet; as a motivational speech designed as a call to action – do something, now! Be someone, now! Read more books to make you more knowledgeable. Sign up to more courses to make you better at your job. All this reads as you are not good enough as you are, you need to do better, only then will you be successful.

    I would imagine that the master in this story is either a Daoist or a Zen Buddhist and whilst there is no direct reference to the need to be successful, this is what is commonly construed. What is perhaps not taken note of is the reference to nature; why speak about bamboo when the master could have referred to his own “success” or the success of a King or businessman? Perhaps it is because in nature there is no striving, there is no need to monopolise for the sake of it and there is no need to set yourself apart from others, there is only harmony and balance, and this message I feel has been lost. From watching nature we can observe that only the present moment exists. As I water and tend to the veggies in the allotment I don’t witness them having existential crises about not producing enough flowers or having too long a stem, so from this I can deduce that the illusion of success can only arise from a mind capable of projecting into the future and the past, taking us away from the moment that is now. The more time I have spent being aware of my mind and practicing meditation I have noticed how the majority of my desires for success have sloughed away and I become more at one with the courgettes.

    Another misconception that I wish to draw attention to is that this parable only references one person making success happen for him; the one watering and nurturing the plant. Whilst we are responsible for turning up in the present moment and nurturing it, we are not single-handedly responsible for the abundance acquired. A whole host of conditions and influences are involved in the lead up to the moments that seem like success has been achieved. Again I believe that in this parable the master does not differentiate between the bamboo and the person caring for it, they are one and the same. It is our thinking mind, the ego, that involves a strong sense of “I” and individuality, yet the “I” is not separate from its environment, it is of it.

    What are your thoughts on this parable? Do you feel this is a full reflection on success?

    I must admit this topic was difficult to write about as it stirred up a desire in me for this post to be a success! In turn this made me doubt and question all that I wrote and there was much more I wanted to comment on. I had been very aware of the anxiety and stress building inside as my mind became more and more unsettled that when I was able to return to the present moment, it was so joyful and stress free that I didn’t feel the need to do anything, be anyone or convey anything. However, I hope this was helpful to at least one person so that you can allow yourself the moment to step back and breathe and realise you are fine just as you are. There is nothing to strive for, you can be abundant by just existing in the present moment.

    If you enjoyed this blog then please click the “Like” button, share it with your friends and drop a comment below letting me know what other topics you’d like me to write about. Thank you as always for taking the time to read my blog, I appreciate each and every one of you.

  • Overcoming the Inner Critic: Finding Peace with ‘No-Mind’

    Do you feel as though you should always be doing more, or something different? That you should be better? That you can’t quite find the formula to make your life a success?

    This has been me for the majority of my life and I’m certain you are no stranger to it either, the inner critic. The monkey mind. The ego. An all so common human condition that leads to a circular and continuous state of suffering. This isn’t exactly reassuring to know if you believe this is the only way to exist, bouncing from one state of doubt and worry to another but what if I told you that this mind-state could be considered abnormal, that it isn’t the state of mind that the mind really wants to abide in. My journey over the last year and a half has introduced an entirely new concept to me, the concept of “no-mind” where doubts and worries are softly let go and a peace and calm descends over your very being allowing you to move through life with fluidity and ease.

    After I left university (an experience that baffled me from start to finish), I had concepts of what would happen next. With a little bit of effort, but not too much, I would find a decent paying job, certainly above minimum wage, I would live somewhere I liked (quiet area with a small garden and dry walls) and have enough money left over each month to be able to afford a car and replace my ageing clothes every now and then. My aspirations weren’t wild.

    What I found to happen instead, was a far cry from my expectations.

    I ended up travelling around the world for a couple of years as I couldn’t find a job in my field of study and I found living in the UK to be as baffling as the university degree that I took in it. Whilst travelling around the world is rarely viewed as a negative experience, a lot of this time was spent in fear and obsessive thought, thinking what on this blue-and-green Earth was I doing and shouldn’t I really be getting a “proper” job? A lot of the beauty of the moment was lost on me and many of my choices were based on “shoulds and shouldn’ts”. This mind-state eventually brought me back to the UK, where struggling to know what job to now pursue I ended up retraining in the fitness industry, scraping by on a minimum wage, working two jobs and being bled dry by the costs of rent and a car. This was a challenging time as I relied upon the support of family, friends and family friends to get by. There wasn’t any feeling of being a successful, independent adult when I was so heavily reliant on others propping me up and left me in almost constant state of confusion and anger.

    During this period I tried to control all parts of my life through mental proliferation, where mental proliferation is the process of getting carried away with your thoughts, leading to the creation of more thoughts, more worries, more doubts and a world of suffering. Mental proliferation of the mind focuses on what has happened in the past and what may happen in the future, yet, the one place it cannot exist in is the present moment; the silver bullet to needless suffering. Now, at the time of university, subsequent global travelling and job working in the UK, I had no concept of my mind being the problem; it was my problem solver that got me out of trouble and into jobs. Right?

    The world is infinitely complex and beyond our capacity to measure and map-out, it is thus impossible to control. The Daosists have a name for this web of inter-relationships, they call it the Dao. My explanation in itself misses the point as the Dao is, indescribable. A great ancient sage by the name of Lao Tzu famously wrote the Dao De Ching that beautifully puts into words the relationship we have with the Dao, being of the Dao itself, and acts as a framework for how we approach our lives and environment. In particular I was struck by Wu-Wei, a practice of “non-doing” of taking a step back and being more aware in the present moment, of not actively pursuing decision-making.

    These concepts are beautiful to read and listen to and feel reassuring, whilst having a depth of ancient wisdom that touches you profoundly. What I found though with having discovered this information was that it still remained very much a mental proliferation, and did little to stop me analysing my life choices. If I was to follow in this practice of Wu-Wei (non-doing) then what was I supposed to be doing?! Perhaps you can see my dilemma.

    I was stuck in theoretical Daoism.

    That was, until I was introduced to the Buddha’s reflections on the workings of the mind. Now, until recently I hadn’t any interest in Buddhism, I considered it be the “philosophical religion” and didn’t see how it had any particular value or relevance in my life when I was so focused on my work and making ends meet. I had certainly read many a misplaced and out-of-context quote of the Buddha which may have superficially resonated with me but didn’t light a spark to follow it any further. What I have since come to understand is that the teachings of the Buddha are the most well understood teachings of the workings of the mind, that on discovery of these teachings I have been baffled as to why modern psychology exists at all.

    The Buddha illustrates through stories and lists why the mind behaves the way it does (such as the mental proliferation of desire; making choices because you desire something and you want it and making choices because you desire to get away from something you dislike) and what the different results are based on how you approach a situation. However this approach is not analytical such as the way in Western Psychology, instead I see it more as a reprogramming, a reconditioning based on the Four Noble Truths and the Eight Precepts and so on that sets you on the path towards enlightenment and the end of suffering. These teachings help develop wisdom and the ability to reflect on the workings of your mind whereby you are no longer plagued by doubts, desires, hatred and more.

    There is a trap here too however, just as in theoretical Daoism you can become stuck in theoretical Buddhism, which is why I was also taught the practical mind skills too, otherwise known as meditation. I’m not so sure that meditation compliments the Buddha’s understanding of the mind as much as it is the practice of the Buddha’s understanding of the mind. To forgo meditation in the belief that simply reading the written word will help you does not lead to the life-changing insight that is possible. Meditation is immeasurable despite what some technology groups may be trying to achieve today. I have heard people talk about entering into Jhana states and Buddhist monks who can meditate for hours or days at a time, yet meditation cannot be measured in terms of success by the experiences you have as much as how much you have let go in day-to-day life. My meditation practice has been far more basic, I typically sit for 30 minutes with nothing otherworldly happen, yet I do find myself enter into a more peaceful state where mental proliferation dies down and those immediate, loud thoughts slowly soften and dissolve.

    This regular practice has been enough to slowly drop the notions of being a somebody that strives to make something of themselves in the world and to quieten the inner dialogue. This is turn drops the ideas of “I should be doing this or that”, “I should be here or there”, “will people still like me if I do this or that”, “I need to go out and save the world, but how?!” and has brought me closer to a state of Wu-Wei that I had previously tried to access through the thinking mind.

    In time, this has led me to pursue awareness in the present moment above all else. Awareness itself does not hold as much theoretical or literary prowess, it’s not as exhilarating to read or hear about, yet, it has been the most powerful transformational tool I have encountered to date and can be harnessed and refined further through meditation.

    I have found that when I am in this present moment, my mental proliferation subsides or simply doesn’t exist. I note that the present feels like “this” and this liberates me from the notion that there is any path to follow other than my own.

    And that’s all there seems to me to be.

  • Poem : Oneness

    There’s so much more to life you see,


    I am you and you are me,


    The sand and stars, the sea and moon,


    Can fit inside this tiny room;


    If you but open your third eye,


    My dear, you will surely fly.

    -EC

  • Rediscovering Identity: A Journey Beyond Doing

    I am not what I’m thinking, I am who I’m being. A human being, not a human doing.

    It is coming up to 6 months now since I left England to spend time with my mum in Thailand.  I had felt increasingly that I was becoming more and more disconnected from myself as I buried myself deeper and deeper into doing more and more, feeling that I was trapped on a fast paced treadmill taking me further away from knowing who I am.

    I had decided several months before my departure date that I would leave and worked and saved hard to allow myself enough financial reserves to take an extended time out from working.  My aim was to join my mum in a peaceful area of Northern Thailand and reconnect with myself to figure out who is Emily.

    My decision was not precipitated by any calamitous event, if anything, looking through the eyes of traditional “success” I was well on my way.  I had a loving partner, I was spearheading my own project at work and was slowly but surely growing my private Personal Training business. Yet there was a continuous nagging feeling that this wasn’t the right path for me.  Despite these “advances”, I was feeling more than ever that  I could not decipher who I was as a person.  My days endlessly looped around hours of work, training, binge watching Netflix and gardening; my mind constantly chattering about how to “improve” my situation amid feeling a deep sense of lack.  I found my mindset hardening as I increasingly used logic to solve my way out of my situations (useful when dealing with logical situations such as how to get my bike started when the battery is flat, not often the case when trying to navigate the vagaries of life).  In addition to this I was dogged by dreams of sitting at airports waiting for a flight to take me away.  Plagued by doubt as to whether I should listen to my dreams and whether leaving was the right thing to do, I spontaneously purchased a plane ticket to Thailand. Sharing the news with Kelly was difficult, a communications event I messed up, and yet she only became my strongest supporter as I prepared my departure.

    With hindsight, my departure from the UK coincidentally coincided with the rise of Covid-19 and had I left it any longer, I would have missed the opportunity of being here.  My focus when I first arrived out here involved having a routine of physical activity, massages to eliminate excess tension in my body and to help heal a motorbiking accident, a strict eating regime (no grains or coffee!) and to figure myself out, all at once.  I was still carrying the adrenaline charged, iron-fisted, dopamine-addicted tendencies from my recent lifestyle and I did battle with the new influences of meditation and Buddhist and Taoist teachings that my mum brought to the table.  There was conflict not only externally but internally too and on any given day it would either be the routinely physical mindset dominating or the mindless meditation attempting to push the reset button.  Over time though I felt myself dropping more of the ideas and beliefs I had about myself and a small glimmer of who Emily is has started shinning through.

    I was not my likes or dislikes, I was not my jobs (past, present or future), I was not my fashion sense, my genetic inheritance, my failures or triumphs, I was not my thoughts, I was not my emotions.  Instead what I realised was that I am responsible for dropping all these notions of who I think I am and instead need to learn to live at one with nature and humanity in a way that promotes sustainability and yes, love.